From the day I started walking, I was never alone,
because,
I still had myself.
Sometimes I’d chat with the Go Pro on my chest,
rambling on about whatever just happened,
in meticulous detail, even though it was clearly there too.
Sometimes I’d play with my shadow,
watching it move at the same rhythm as me,
disappearing suddenly then catching up just as suddenly,
and in it I saw my own outline,
trying to make sense of that form, both clear and blurred.
Sometimes I’d ask my inner self for answers,
those life directions and doubts I’d questioned countless times,
the questions it couldn’t answer either,
churning them over in debate again and again,
and in the end, only getting ‘maybe’ as an answer.
But when everything settled,
I could always see myself a little clearer,
whether through the sound of my own voice, the shape of my body, or the intangible nature of my thoughts,
I questioned my reasons for setting out, examined whether my decisions to continue or quit based on the weather were right,
or tried to admit my own character flaws,
asking myself if I was someone difficult to get along with.
Questioning and contemplating, I accompanied myself throughout the journey, speaking all the way,
some had answers, some didn’t,
some answers were only valid for a day before being overturned,
so the answers themselves weren’t that important anymore,
who said everything needed an answer?
Maybe just seeing myself a little clearer was enough,
and that reflection could only appear when everything was very still.
——
(Revisiting journal entry from 2017/4/19)
📍 Te Araroa Trail | New Zealand 3,000 km Hiking Journey| Back to full series index
